The "no I don't" and "no I'm not" of our lives.
I recently had an awakening that, in hindsight, let me know I was in denial for a while. In a good way.
So we have established that I have lost 30 pounds. I know I have, because the scale says so. It's a "undeniable" measure of my body's gravity. But that's pretty much all it does. I used to let it measure a lot more - my self confidence, my worth, my lovability...but I wised up and figured that it's just a number. And lest I make that sound flippant, it took me about 30 years to realize that. I'm the girl who packed her scale in her suitcase when she went on vacation, as recently as 3 years ago. This whole "it's just a number" thing is very, very new to me. 5 months ago new, to be exact.
Anyway, while I was on LEAP I made a commitment to concentrate on how I felt, not on what the scale said.I would "check in" with it occasionally, but not on any pre-set schedule. Just an "oh, wow, I feel great AND I am down 2 pounds this week!" kinda thing.
So, when you're not obsessing on that number, you are free to concentrate on other things. Like how you feel and how your body responds to you. What happened to me, though, is that while my body was changing, it took my mind some time to catch up.
I remember reading about Valerie Bertinelli after she did that popular (and well televised) weight loss program. In an interview shortly after she reached her goal weight, she said that when she went to a store she instinctively took a size Large off the rack, but when she tried it on it was way too big. So then she got a medium. And that was too big, too. So she finally realized she was a small, but she still didn't quite "believe" it.
I remember thinking how silly that seemed at the time. But it wasn't so silly when I realized that "I" was in denial about what size I was in. For those of you who know me this may seem weird. But for the past 4 years or so, I was used to the double-digits size (ones that rhymed with shmelve or shmourteen) and I continued to wear them as I lost weight. They felt loose which let me know I was losing weight and I kind of liked that feeling. Of loose clothing. That was new. Again.
Anyway, I was wondering why more people weren't commenting on my weight loss. The scale was telling me 10, 15, 20 pounds down, but not many people seemed to notice. And thank heavens I had gotten some "emotional eating" counseling or else I would have emotionally eaten over that. But my insides were changing too. This time I was in it to win it and didn't rely too heavily on the outside praise. My best friend commented the other day that I had been "so quiet" about my weight loss and "all of a sudden" I was down 30 pounds. (if you're on my Facebook you know I wasn't quiet for too long and had to post a picture of this milestone) I guess I was "quiet" because this time it was for ME. And that was also new.
I had always had a deadline for losing weight. My birthday. My wedding. A friend's wedding. My birthday (it repeats because this cycle went on for years). This time there was no deadline. The time was passing and I wanted me to be healthy as it passed. I truly believe that that "letting go" was what contributed to my success on LEAP. Besides, I was not treating this as a "diet" - this was a way for me to heal my immune system, basically, and the weight loss would be a bonus. THAT mind set was a sincere blessing.
So one day I was getting ready for work, and all of my pants were dirty. I kind of looked through my closet and skipped past the smaller sizes that I had bought when I was bigger in preparation for losing weight (got that?) and didn't even give it a second thought. I had done this for weeks, mind you - flipped right past those sizes because I was not going to try something on and have it be too small. Because that would be discouraging. And I would have cried. I am still convinced that fitting rooms in department stores should have built-in tissue boxes. There were many times I needed them in that fitting room! Two mirrors and no tissues? Clearly a man's design.
Ahem, excuse me, I digress.
So, on this day, with all of my clothes in the wash, I decided to pull out the smaller size pants and give 'em a try. I figured if they were too tight I would just wear a long jacket over them or something.
They fit. They not only fit...they were loose. I LOL'ed in my bedroom. Because for about ten minutes I was in a size 10 (actually it was more like 4 days. I am trying to emphasize the quickness). And I didn't even have time to enjoy it.
While I was earnestly working away on healing my body and getting myself to a healthy state, my mind was still stuck in size shmelve mode. I just couldn't fathom that I deserved to be a smaller size. Get me? I spent so many years in that size that I sincerely didn't think I could be smaller, even though the mathematical proof stared back at me. Now, a number is just a number, but to us girls it's still important. I wore my size 10's for a few minutes (days) and wound up buying myself two pairs of size 8 pants yesterday. And yes, I checked the INSIDE tag of the pants in the dressing room with no tissues (I could have used them for the happy tears yesterday, thank you very much) just in case the outside tag was wrong, because my mind is in semi-denial still.
I am sure the reason no one noticed my weight loss, initially, is because I was wearing my too-big clothing while my "big" mind worked out accepting the fact that I could let that size go. That's why it feels "all of a sudden" to me. And I am working through that - it's not a bad thing, just a big thing. Pun intended, I guess.
My denial stopped me from enjoying life. Kind of like my denial about me needing help with what I consider now to be a food addiction did. Kind of like my denial about ME and my size being the reason I was unlovable did. And so on.
I was Cleopatra...Queen of (wait for it...) Denial. And I will most likely always have some sort of denial in my life...don't we all? Some we can laugh at (like my chuckle at my size denial, which came after years of obsessing about size. Oh, the irony) but ALL of it we can learn from.
Are you in denial about something that is holding you back from being healthy? I remember being in POINTS denial on Weight Watchers. "That's not 8 points it's 5" kind of denial. I was in denial over the fact I could "just have 2 drinks" and be OK too. (sober 9 years now). I was only hurting myself. Finding out I was reactive to foods I loved? HUGE opportunity for denial there. But being honest - with myself- is what ultimately allowed me to heal.
LEAP is a great vehicle for healing from so many physical ailments. It also helped heal my mind. And I happened to have some great support to get me through it. But you also need to realize that "denial" can creep in, and you have to look it square in the eye and face off with it - see it for what it really us - in order to conquer it.
John 8:32 says "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
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