Got cracks?
I know I do. But my cracks are on the inside. If you struggle with food and weight issues, you know what cracks are and how they happen. And how, like the mark on your windshield, they are easier to fix as soon as they happen. Before they start to grow. But that's not really when we try to fix them, is it?
I just re-read some of my first blog entries. After a few I started to wonder where that girl was. Because lately…well, I've cracked. And unfortunately, I really only started to notice it after my vision was affected.
You know how it happens. How, at first, you are 100% in. GUNG HO. THIS IS IT. No more "next Monday" (I interrupt this blog post to share one of the funniest things I have seen on the Internet lately):
It starts out innocently enough. 30 pounds down, you start to feel confident. (and by you, I mean me.) You start to think that "just one bite" of that reactive food won't hurt you. You start to think that you've been "so good for so long" that you "deserve" to splurge. Ok, who's with me? Good, I am not alone. You start to make excuses and have a pity, party of one.You start to miss what you can't have. You start to (taste) test the once-forbidden waters. And they are cool, and inviting, and now you want to swim in them.
Crack.
Too late now, I already messed up. Might as well start tomorrow. Or Friday, because that is when my "new week" starts with Weight Watchers. And vacation means indulging, right?
Crack.
No one is saying anything anymore about how great you are doing with your program, because you have stalled. Even gained a few pounds back. And you can't help but feel defeated, and that chocolate bar looks so…comforting. What could it hurt? No one will know, and it will make you/me feel better. Sugar was only a "yellow" food anyway.
Crack.
I literally have started to see my cracks, because my eczema has returned to my hands. With a vengeance. It hurts. And I am paying attention now. I mentioned it to my husband, who asked if I might have eaten something to make it come back. Oh, I hate it when he is right. So I decide to take that as an insult, as a sign that he's noticed I have gained weight (note: that was certainly not his thought, it was mine), and I indulge again. Feeling unlovable, unlikeable, I let my emotions get the better of me and I feed them. Like, literally. I feed them.
Crack.
The picture in front of the Christmas tree on this blog was taken right around this time last year. I remember how confident I felt. My smile says it all. I cannot say I would smile as big if I took that picture today. I have lots of cracks to repair, and although I am not starting back at zero, I am starting. Because even though I am cracked and flawed and in need of fixing, I know I can do it because I have done it. I know that I've allowed too many cracks to appear and it's going to take some time to patch them all up. I just know I cannot keep driving if I cannot see because I will be driving blind. And the cracks are now impossible to ignore. It actually hurts to type, because my hands are literally cracked. It is physical, in-my-face proof that following LEAP heals me, and not following LEAP hurts me. Dumb, dumb, dumb. How can I still be learning, at this stage in my life, that my choices have consequences? I guess I needed a reminder. Lesson, once again, learned.
Recognize the crack when the first small stone hits your windshield. Get it repaired right away so your vision isn't impaired for the rest of your journey. The holidays can cause lots of cracks. Time to celebrate, right? But that doesn't mean eating something that is going to hurt you. Literally, like it manifested in my eczema, or otherwise. Don't brush it under the rug. The 2 pounds becomes 5 pounds and the 5 pounds becomes 10 pounds. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt that's too small now.
I know the promise have in Philippians 4:13. I can do this. It's just a matter of realizing that I see better when my windshield is not cracked. :) I have done it to myself, so I need to un-do it to myself. It's not anyone else's responsibility but mine. I am not blaming anyone. I am actually not blaming myself, either. I am instead choosing to forgive myself and start over, because I have that opportunity every day the good Lord lets me wake up. I have 86,400 seconds a day and don't want to waste a single one causing any more cracks in my life. A cracked foundation cannot support a healthy home.
Want a place to start repairing cracks? Need some help and encouragement and maybe some healthy recipes? Try reading Emily's blog. It's chock-full of life-glue to help you stick to your goals (puns, as always, intended) She even has gift giving ideas! Emily got me on the path to enlightenment about healing my body, and I 'll forever be grateful to her. I also want to honor the gift she gave me by fixing these cracks :) and passing on her wisdom and knowledge to help others see where they are going, too!
When the holidays do not center around food, they are much merrier. At least, for me they are, because the greatest gift I can give myself is a healthier, happier me. Splurge for the holidays? Stuff yourself silly because that's what's in vogue this time of year? Eat the cookies just to get them out of the house? (yes I am talking to you, you know who you are).
It's just not worth it. Dare I say….
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| It's not all it's "cracked" up to be. |
