Thank-full

Today is a tough day for me in some respects. It's the 8th anniversary of the day my Dad left for the hospital for the last time; he passed away two days after Christmas. Thanksgiving is bittersweet for me now. I am so thankful that my Dad was "made new" in Christ before he died, and I am more thankful now than ever for family and the time spent together. I am also thankful for a very important change in the holiday for me this year.

For someone who has a problematic relationship with food on an ordinary day, Thanksgiving can be challenging to say the least. I remember way too many Thanksgivings past when I was actually in pain from eating too much. I would just eat and eat until I wanted to pop. I remember actually crying myself to sleep one year because I was so full. It is typically joked about, right? "Gobble til you wobble". We are encouraged to indulge - after all, it's a holiday, right? 2,500 calories (average) in one meal. I ate every one of them with gluttonous ignorance.

With LEAP, I knew this day would be different for me. I usually work every Thanksgiving, so I didn't have to worry about tons of leftovers from cooking (and let's face it, I didn't have to worry about cooking, period.) While others were up to put their turkey in the oven this morning, I was up baking my haddock for lunch today (my husband woke up to the smell of fish cooking at 7am, and I am sure he thought it was some kind of bad turkey haha). Because if there is one thing (and there are MANY things, so this is a big 'if') I have learned on LEAP it's that you HAVE to plan and prepare or you WILL fail. So I prepared and I planned.

When I got home from work, I ran to my mom's house for dinner. And when I say that, I mean it literally. I ran two miles to my mom's house. Running to dinner on Thanksgiving? Yup, that's new. My own little turkey trot.

Waiting for me was the buffet of dreams: mashed potatoes, corn & broccoli casserole, sweet potatoes with marshmallows & brown sugar, sausage stuffing and chocolate mousse and pumpkin pie and cranberry mold. Oh, and turkey. Which was pretty much the only thing that was approved on the buffet - all the other things had my reactive ingredients in them. So, I sautéed some turkey in olive oil and it was so so delicious. I arranged some pretty orange slices around my plate and savored them as my "dessert." Here's the thing: I actually enjoyed this meal (and running with frozen veggies would have been just too weird for me or I would have brought my own to round out the meal). As I was eating, my mom and sister were making "awww" noises at me. Like, "aww, aren't you allowed to eat anything else?" and "awww, that's all you can have?" and "aww, can't you even TRY the corn & broccoli casserole, it's your favorite!"

They felt sorry for me. On diets past, I used to feel sorry for myself when I couldn't have what everyone else was having. Because I wanted it. But something or someone told me it was "bad" for me and would ruin my diet. Here's the breakthrough for me this Thanksgiving: I didn't want that other stuff. I was not nostalgic about it; I did not feel deprived or cheated from enjoying it; it simply did not appeal to me. Because I, too, have been "made new" and it has to do with my way of thinking about food.

On this program, I was made aware of the foods my body is reactive to. This was done through a special blood test (note: it's NOT the blood-type diet.) It's something I will explain in detail in another blog post. Suffice it to say that certain foods I was eating were causing inflammation in my body - inflammation that was the cause of fibromyalgia and eczema and migraines to name a few major players. So on this program I eliminate those foods and stick with my "green light" foods, until I can phase others in at 3 and 6 month intervals. The "green" foods include protein, grains, fruits, vegetables and seasonings - nothing is "off limits" except for the foods I am reactive to. The foods that hurt my body. So having turkey and oranges today was A-OK for me, because I knew what the alternative was and it just wasn't attractive to me. And guess what? I felt great after eating. Not stuffed. That is a first in all of my 36 Thanksgivings. (OK I have had more ~ I just don't remember the first few) 

Thanksgiving for me this year was a chance to be full in other parts of my body. Full in my head, with the knowledge I have gained and put to use to heal myself (and lose 28 pounds along the way!). Full in my heart, with the love I have for my family and friends but also for me - by treating myself with love and kindness and doing what will make me feel good, not bad. Tonight, I will not cry myself to sleep over what I ate. Food is fuel for my body, and a way to give my body what it needs to be on its best behavior. I just feel good. And now that I have that feeling, I will not give it up for all the corn & broccoli casserole in the world. I may or may not be able to have it again. It doesn't matter. I just know that I don't feel sorry for myself,  and I don't ever want to gobble til I wobble.

With the help of 2 very special women I have so much more to be thankful for this year. Emily, you are a blessing to me, and I am just so grateful for your guidance in the LEAP program. Thank you for being wonderful you - and showing me that this does work. I am living, breathing, happy proof. Jen, you made me dig deep and really see what was holding me back - thanks for helping me quit quitting. When I count my blessings, I count you guys twice (-:

Hoping that you all will be "full" in places other than your tummy - take time out to give thanks for those that fill YOUR hearts this Thanksgiving.

Mindfulness

There we were, gazing at the ocean. It was our one and only vacation as a family, and I was thrilled that we were able to spend a few days in Ocean City together before the summer ended. Our feet in the water, the sun on our faces, the sound of the waves crashing...it was just so nice, I didn't want it to end. And then... I said it.

"Where should we go on vacation next year?"

My husband answered "Can't you just enjoy where we are without thinking about that now?"

Oh, hello, mindfulness, I misplace you often.

Instead of truly being in the moment and enjoying this time, my mind was racing ahead to when we could do it again. And that kind of stole some of the joy of what was happening right now. The now which is now then. 

I remember when I first heard the term "mindfulness." I am the LEAST "new age-y" type person you will meet, and this sounded rather new age-y to me. "Practice mindfulness." Um, OK, I'm kinda too busy for that right now...

But then I read it again in regards to eating, and it made perfect sense. I was trapped in a world of "what's next?" at mealtimes. At breakfast I would think about what I was having for lunch; at lunch I would be thinking of what was for dinner. I was literally obsessed with food. I would eat so fast and distracted (by TV, computer or at my desk at work) that I didn't really ENJOY my meal. I was just always hungry (probably because I didn't give myself a chance to feel full!) and literally rushed around in all aspects of my life. I started to count the number of times I chewed my food (and no, I cannot do the 20 bites that I read are recommended - might as well put my food in a blender!) and tried to be mindful to do better. I tried to keep track of my food that I ate and plan my meals in advance. I tried not to eat at my desk. I tried, I succeeded, I failed, but I kept trying.

Many of you know about the car accident in 2009 that finally slowed me down. I was forced to just "be" and literally not move. That was a great (albeit unfortunate) way for me to practice mindfulness, and to learn not to "rush" through anything because you don't know how long you'll have it. Looking back, I see the Divine Intervention at that point in my life, and I am a better person now because of it.

The last few months have been really great for me. So great, that I started this here new blog to talk and share things. The comment my husband made on the beach stays with me; yes, I am planning our next vacation but I am going to sure as heck make sure not to plan the next one after that while we are on the one I am planning now! (: It's totally OK to plan. I love to plan. But it's also OK to plan one thing at a time. I'm working on it!

I realized that mindfulness isn't such a "new" thing after all. As a matter of fact, there's a reference to it in the Bible.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:34

Yup, today sure has enough troubles of its own. But it also has blessings of its own, for me to enjoy and really be in the moment with. Sometimes I just close my eyes and imagine myself "freezing" the moment I am in. Like when my son puts his arms out for a hug, or when my baby nephew smiles at me for making a funny noise, or when the 3 of us are at the dinner table and laughing about something. Times of pure joy that God gave me to bask in. Love that phrase. I want to BASK in the great moments of my life, not be too busy to enjoy them while they are here.

As the mom of a teenager, I know what it means to have those moments pass by before I could "freeze" them. So many little-boy memories that I would love to get back. I did the best I could back then as a single mom...but I sure as heck am not going to "miss out" now, since I am being more mindful of how quickly life passes by. My son will be in college in a few years; that's only 3 summer vacations away. Next month, my Dad will have been gone 8 years. He was 57 when he died. That seems so young to me now. I can barely stand the pain of thinking about all the things I didn't do with my Dad when I had the chance. Like the Memorial Day trip on the lake he invited me on. I had to work - work! - it wound up being the last time he took that little boat of his on the water. He died that December. Hindsight is always 20/20...but being mindful sure does put moments in perspective before they pass by. I will not lose that lesson, even if I need to be reminded of it on a beach every now and then.

The LEAP program has taught me to be mindful in so many ways. Not just with food...but with the way I feel, and the "abundant life" that I had been searching for these past few years. Life is here for us to enjoy. Be mindful of the moments that break through the chaos in your day. Take time to really be "in" the moment you are in - even if it's just to appreciate the taste of some organic fresh fruit! Or the child that is home with you instead of in the hospital! BASK in your sweet little moments. They will be gone before you know it!