He turned his head from side to side, tears making a path down his cheeks.
"No."
We were trying to tell my Dad it was OK to go. That we would be OK. But he didn't believe it. He couldn't speak at that point due to the tubes helping him to breathe. He just shook his head, and cried. Tears of sorrow, tears of regret, tears for not having enough time.
He wanted more time. More time to make sure we would be OK. More time to make amends for the time that had been wasted being bitter and angry for so many years. But in God's perfect plan that we will never understand, my Dad ran out of time at 58 years old. He made a lot of wrong things right before he died, and there was a wonderful healing of relationships along the way. But then... he was gone.
He wouldn't get to be around to know if we were OK. He wouldn't be around to see his grand kids play baseball or tennis or graduate high school. In a bittersweet, life altering moment for all of us (including him), his time was up.
I have been thinking a lot about time lately. I have had precious little of it the past few weeks as work burdens took the best of my time. And trust when I say I love what I do; but I have been see-sawing my way to find balance and have struggled a little.
I am not exaggerating when I say I had about an hour with my husband and son most nights. 15 minutes (if that) before work/school in the morning; and just about an hour when I got home before bedtime (and sometimes not even that when I had to stay super late). Weekends weren't exempt either. It was crunch time, and I was a-crunchin'.
Little things started to dawn on me. My son's whistle while he did his homework was for an instant annoying; but then I thought about the time when he would be away at college, and I would ache for that whistle, or a "Mom can you get me some milk & cookies". Just being quiet next to my husband on the couch was a moment of being content (and I am sure he was grateful for the silence, haha).
When you recognize time is precious and short, you make the most of it. You don't waste it fighting over petty things. You don't try and control time that someone else has. You appreciate every moment. You recognize quality is better than quantity, and you cherish each minute. If my husband and son would have complained about my time away, it would have been wasting the time we did have. Thank God they are understanding, and it made our time that we did have together count.
I was thrown for a loop last week when I found out that the supplement I had been taking 3 times a day for over a year was recalled due to contamination from an antibiotic that could potentially cause life-threatening anemia. I started to worry about time. A lot. The 10 emails I got from Amazon urging me to see a doctor didn't help my anxiety either.
At any moment, our time can run out. Sometimes we get advance notice; my Dad was diagnosed in June and passed away in December. We had time to say goodbye. Not many people get that blessing. Sometimes we have no notice. And that, friends, is when we have to realize how precious time really is. "When was the last time I saw them? What was the last thing I said during our time together?" The desire of my heart is to be able to answer that question with love. To have no regrets if suddenly, time runs out, for me or someone I love. At the end of every day, I want to answer the question "To whom have I been a blessing today?" That is my goal as a manager at work, and it is a goal I have applied to my personal life as well. I am not being self-righteous here; with my heart of hearts I just want to be the best person I can be, because I remember.
I remember the time my Dad asked me to go to the lake on Memorial Day and I told him I couldn't because I had to work. I'll be damned if I can remember what I did at work that day, but I remember it was the last boat ride he would take before he got sick.
I remember what I thought during the time it took to get my blood test results back (and, praise God, all was OK.) It's something we can all apply and learn from without being too late:
I don't want something bad to happen to me or someone I know before time becomes important.
And yes, since my blog is about being healthy, this applies to our weight loss journey too. Tomorrow is tomorrow whether or not I eat healthy. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, either; and if it comes when I am 250 pounds or when I am 150 pounds it's coming without regard to how much I weigh or if I exercise today. How am I going to feel about TODAY, TOMORROW? And OK, full disclosure, it took my cardiologist scaring the pants off of me about having a heart attack, being 50 pounds overweight and cholesterol at a sky-high number, to shake myself into realizing that my TIME would be cut short if I didn't change some habits (and shout out to LEAP for getting me 3/4 of the way there with 30 pounds and 50 cholesterol points GONE BABY GONE).
Here's what I say: the time will pass anyway. So, to quote the old knight in my favorite movie: "Choose Wisely."
You can choose to spend time complaining about how you feel, or you can choose to spend time doing something about changing it.
You can take time to plan out healthy meals and exercise or you can take time to go to the doctor's and the drugstore.
You don't put weight on overnight, and you don't take it off overnight. TIME IS PASSING RIGHT NOW. The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Might as well spend your TIME on the right path. Be it with relationships, or weight loss, time may not be something we can control; but how we spend it is completely up to us. We cannot choose many things in life; but we can choose how to spend our time with ourselves or others. I am so far from perfect; but I appreciate each and every minute that I am here, and every day I get a new chance to start all over. (Lamentations 3:22-23)
Charles Stanley talks about the "blessings of brokenness". It's an article I found among my Dad's papers when I was helping to sort through things. Sometimes being broken can be a blessing. It helps us see things from a perspective we wouldn't have if we hadn't gone through a certain trial. Trust you me, if I was a size 4 my whole life, I wouldn't be near as compassionate and understanding of a person. I probably would have taken my health for granted and might even have been unsympathetic to others who struggled with their weight. Nope, my brokenness was a blessing, and I am paying it forward by trying to be a blessing to others. I can think of at least a dozen people that I count among my closest friends that I would not have met had I not been overweight. (And before you get all offended, I am not saying that you're broken if you're overweight. Something is broken, and you need the tools to figure out what it is and fix it.)
My dad taught me a valuable lesson. Time - what little time we may have - is not to be wasted on regrets. It's why I like to live life to its fullest; it's why I love to travel; it's why I give what I can give with all my heart, no matter how little time I have in which to give it. One of my favorite quotes ever is "The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity." ~ Helen Rowland
What opportunity do you have that you are not taking? Don't worry about how much time it's going to take. Time is passing anyway. But you can't get started until you get started (one of those simple-but-deep thoughts). Take time out to love your loved ones. And don't forget to take time out to love yourself, too- because let's face it, you're not getting any younger either :)
It's "about time" we realize that time is not the enemy. Time is what heals us. I am hoping that I (and YOU) will be able to answer the question "To whom have I been a blessing today?" with one special word:
